The best honesty is the kind you share with yourself.  I guess I’m simply trying to say that I have learned, or at least am in the process of learning, that being honest with myself is the only way I can be honest with other people. 

I have to know the truth to tell it. 

I have to believe the truth to tell it.

Of course, I imagine most people have learned this by the age of 27.  Or at least I hope so. I’m in the minority here, I’m sure. 

Why it took me so long to learn this seemingly simple message bothers me immensly.  I don’t think I’m stupid.  I’m not sure if have much evidence to validate that point, because I sure don’t think high school transcripts and a useless BS proves it, but I am pretty sure I’m not stupid. 

I don’t think I have bad people skills.  I’ve admitted to not liking people very much quit often, but I geniunly care about other people.  Although I am put off with them on a pretty regular basis.

I think I might be a bit of a loner. 

A bit of a quite book worm, but also a bit of a secretive self destructive type.

I can’t believe.

It’s hap-pe-ning again.”

It is though.  It’s happening again.  I once again find myself ending a relationship.

Unlike the picture, and the song lyrics I quoted I’m not afraid it’s all been wasted time. 

Infact I’m glad.  Glad that it happened.  Glad that it’s over.

I admit that I feel a little guilty for being glad, but I am glad none the less. 

It hasn’t been a good 4 years.  I’m not me with this person.  I didn’t start out as me, and when I became myself we didn’t like each other very much.  For that reason I do blame myself for the dissolution of the relationship. 

I do blame him for being a woman hating, selfish, abusive, conservative who thinks he knows everything about women, but coudn’t find Lindsey Lohan’s clit.

But, this blog is not about his down falls.  This is about me, and what I want. 

I guess I can somewhat understand his want for Money, Power, and Respect in our fucked up society, but it’s not my thing.  It’s not what I want for myself and it’s not what I want for people around me.  And that is what this blog is about.  Me realizing that I want someone more like myself.  I’ve done the whole opposites attract thing, and it doesn’t work for me. 

It didn’t work during the high school years when I had a boyfriend for 4 years that was probably about as mentally campable as a 12 year old.

It didn’t work when I had the boyfriend with 6 kids and no job.  (that ended after about a year when I found out he had 6 kids.  He only shared the news of 3 with me, and that was bad enough!)

It didn’t work the last 4 years while I was with the corporate, chip on his shoulder black man.

I now see the pattern here.  All of those guys were completely opposite from me. 

I’m not stupid.

I don’t have, or ever want to have 6 kids.

I don’t dig the corporate world, especially if it makes you a complete ass to be around.

So, I guess I have it figured out. 

I do want someone.  Someone like me.